Originally, published in 2017, lots have changed and I will be revisiting my “crises” later.
A long hiatus was what I needed to prioritize things in my life before I embark on the journey of doing what I want to do and need to do. Many events happened since I wrote last time for this blog. My mother was hospitalized after being diagnosed with interstitial lung disease, which has no cure. My daughter questioned me about my goals and objectives. Taliban members shot 14-year-old Malala Yousafzai in the head and neck. Sandy devastated the US. Barack Obama was re-elected. Dashain came, followed by diwali. I went to a safari after one of my friends suggested when he noticed not-my-usual-self. I attended a two-day retreat (a workshop organized by my office) near Lake Malawi. However, the two incidents that shook my life were my mother’s illness and my daughter’s curiosity that forced me to rethink my life.
One day, my daughter, during a chat, questioned, “what do you want to achieve (in life) by being away from us in Africa?” Her next question followed, “what do you want to do in your life?” I felt that my innocent, yet mature daughter had knocked me out. I never realized that she had grown up so fast. My daughter and I always shared a relationship – I guess every father does that with his daughter. I, however, never expected her to question me about my goals.
I consulted a few of my friends here in Malawi. They categorically remarked that I am going through a midlife crisis. I could not believe it, but they could be right in their assumption. I asked Uncle Google what a mid-life crisis is and how it affects men. So “A Mid-life crisis is actually the attempt to restart life to better fit a person’s heart. Due to existing personal commitments, it often isn’t easy to self resolve the inner conflict a person’s feels” (Signs of a Mid-life Transformation). Out of thirty-five signs, I found these I could relate to:
- Looking into the mirror and you no longer recognize yourself. Sometimes my reflection scares me. The dark circles around my eyes… receding hairline and nearly going bald… double chin… the person in the mirror is not what I used to be…
- Desiring to quit a good job. The current assignment is much more of a challenge, which has forced the best out of me, yet somehow, I feel that I am not content with what I am doing…
- Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy. I loved meeting new people, taking a walk in the evening, watching a good movie, reading books… which I no longer enjoy…
- Changing or investigating new religions, churches, or new age philosophy. I always had been agnostic, but after what happened to my mother, I started to go to the temple almost every day… praying for her recovery… I started reading Mahabharat and Bhagavad Gita… trying to find out the meaning of being a Hindu…
- Change of habits. Activities which used to bring pleasure now are boring. Unable to complete or concentrate on tasks that used to be easy. I don’t know if it is the loneliness that is driving me nuts or trying to remain sane, but I noticed that I had changed my habits.
- It feels good to get hurt. I no longer empathize with my surroundings… for me, poverty used to provoke sadness and encourage me to do something, but now it does not…
- Wanting to run away from everything. Aah! This is what I have been doing… I am not scared of challenges or responsibilities, but I lack the passion for following them…
- A desire to get into physical shape. Yeah, that is very true… It’s high time I should get in shape…
- Irritability or unexpected anger. Though I have managed to control myself a lot, people’s insensitivity and foolishness still drive me crazy. One day, an organization accosted me with a request for a diesel pump and when I asked them about using a treadle-pump. Their reply drove me crazy – “We are too poor to work!” I find that people have excuses for anything, and that makes me mad…
- Shifting sleep patterns (Typically to less). Nowadays, I sleep less, and I wake up very early… mainly because these are the times I could get connected to my family (damn time differences)…
- Thinking about death, wondering about the nature of death. I had been wondering about these lately…
- Extreme changes to what you eat. It’s more what I can get in the local market… I do not have choices…
- A desire to surround yourself with different settings.
- Hanging out with a different generation as their energy and ideas stimulate you. I find this funny because most of my works are youth-related, so I do not know if I am doing this on compulsion or my profession dictates that…
- Upset at where society is going. Experience a desire to change the world for the better. This blog reflects what my intentions are…
- Feeling trapped or tied down by fiscal responsibilities. Of course, this is very true…
- Leaving (Mentally or Physically) family or feeling trapped in current family relationships. I left my family because of work… the separation, however, has brought us together…
- A desire to teach others or become a healer. I have been passionately doing that—trying to make others understand their potentials and how to achieve them…
- Desiring a simple life. I always believed in “Simple Living… High Thinking…” Nothing wrong with that!
- Excessively looking back to one’s childhood. The loneliness in Africa brings back childhood memories… I remember the days I spent with my family back in Nepal, my friends from my schools and college… Aah, those golden days…
- Keep re-asking yourself: “Where am I going with my life?” I have repeatedly been asking that myself…
- Recently experiencing something extremely stressful. My mother’s health has been very stressful for me… I know that she can pull out of it, but the communication gap had been driving me crazy… Most of the nights I spent wondering how she is doing… And I asked myself If I had done the right thing by not rushing to Nepal…
- Someone unexpectedly exclaims: “You are going through a mid-life crisis!” My friends and colleagues keep on reminding me that I am going through a mid-life crisis…
So, I have 23 symptoms out of 35, as mentioned in this website, which implies that I am going through a mid-life crisis… Now what I will be doing would be interesting…
Thinking Out Loud 