Recently, I watched “What is Love?” and “Holy Matrimonies,” and read a book by Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey, “Build the Life You Want.” I thought about my relationship. Pratima and I had been married for 27 years and had known each other for 35 years. Though we are poles apart in almost everything, we are still together, and we have rekindled our relationships. Then, there’s a trend in the younger generation of “swiping right” to find your perfect partner. Or you are looking for a compatible partner. However, is compatibility good enough? Pratima and I are not compatible, but we complement each other. Here are my thoughts.
Compatibility and complementarity are often considered key factors in determining a relationship’s success. While these terms may seem similar, they represent two distinct yet interrelated ideas that are essential for a relationship to thrive.
In her book, The Seven Destinies of Love, Claudia de Llano provides a clear understanding of the two concepts. Compatibility, she says, is “being in alignment with one another in a way that allows you to function together harmoniously.” According to the Oxford Dictionary, complementarity, on the other hand, means “combining in a way that enhances or emphasizes each other’s qualities. In other words, partners may have similar traits but aren’t exactly the same.”
To put it into perspective, consider the following scenarios: Two partners who share similar interests and pursue the same goals, such as a couple that both enjoy hiking or have aligned career ambitions, display compatibility. Meanwhile, a couple where one partner enjoys socializing at parties while the other prefers staying home embodies complementarity, as they respect each other’s preferences and support one another.
Why Compatibility and Complementarity Matter
When partners are compatible, they are more likely to understand and support each other, communicate effectively, and navigate challenges together. This creates a sense of ease and harmony in the relationship, providing a foundation for smooth functioning.
Complementary differences, on the other hand, serve to enhance one another. They broaden perspectives and help achieve greater goals because of the varied vantage points each partner brings. This deeper connection allows couples to support each other while embracing individual strengths.
Though compatibility and complementarity are distinct concepts, they often reinforce each other in relationships. Compatibility aligns partners in values, beliefs, goals, and personalities, promoting harmonious functioning. Complementarity involves combining traits to emphasize each other’s strengths, offering broader perspectives. In this way, compatibility provides a harmonious foundation where complementarity can thrive. Complementary traits enrich the relationship by offering new perspectives and helping partners achieve common goals.
One sunny afternoon, my wife Pratima invited me to join her in the garden while she tended to her flowers. Gardening isn’t my thing. I hate gardening, and she knows that, but I brought a book and settled nearby. We spent hours together, each in our own world but enjoying each other’s company. This moment perfectly encapsulated our relationship: different interests but unwavering support.
Challenges and Growth
Couples often encounter challenges due to a lack of compatibility or complementarity. Without alignment in values and goals, couples may experience irrational behaviour, misunderstandings, and cycles of negative reactions. When partners lack complementary traits, they may struggle to navigate, with differing needs and personalities leading to communication issues and disagreements.
Challenges in relationships are inevitable, but how we approach them can either strengthen or weaken our bond. By embracing our complementary differences and aligning on core values, challenges become opportunities for growth. For example, when my wife and I disagreed on how to spend our weekends—she prefers social gatherings while I favour quiet time—we compromised by alternating weekends between social events and cozy evenings at home.
Despite these challenges, compatibility and complementarity play essential roles in resolving conflicts. Compatibility promotes open and effective communication, fostering empathy and understanding during disagreements. Compatible partners listen actively and empathetically, leading to smoother conflict resolution processes.
Complementarity offers diverse approaches to problem-solving. Partners with complementary traits bring unique perspectives, helping them find compromises that are acceptable to both.
The Gottman Method, developed by relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman emphasize the importance of “turning toward each other” rather than away during conflicts. This means recognizing and respecting each other’s emotions and needs, a practice that can strengthen compatibility and complementarity.
Changes Over Time
As couples grow together over time, the dynamics of compatibility and complementarity can evolve. Compatibility often refers to similarities in values, life goals, and lifestyles, while complementarity goes beyond similarities to enhance each other’s strengths and weaknesses, creating a deeper connection.
True growth and sustainability in relationships often come from blending both compatibility and complementarity. This allows couples to support each other’s unique qualities while sharing common values.
Finding the Optimal Mix
The best partnerships occur when partners have complementary strengths that enhance the relationship. Finding the optimal mix is crucial for success, as it creates harmony by balancing compatibility and complementarity.
Compromises in Relationships
When couples realize their relationship leans too heavily toward one side, they should consider compromises. A positive compromise might involve adjusting to a possessive nature, accommodating eating habits, and understanding each other’s past. However, avoid compromising on fundamental values and self-respect. The goal is to find a mutually satisfying arrangement that respects both partners’ needs.
Building Compatibility and Complementarity
To build or improve compatibility and complementarity in a relationship, consider pursuing individual hobbies and passions while sharing dreams and aspirations often. Team up together to accomplish tasks and engage in activities your partner enjoys to strengthen communication and togetherness. Practice positive affirmations, laugh together, and avoid keeping score to show appreciation and maintain a joyful relationship.
Lessons Learned
From personal experience, my wife and I are poles apart. She enjoys gardening, and I love reading books. I cherish solitude while she thrives in the company of others. Despite our differences, we’ve survived because we celebrate and support each other’s unique qualities.
Conclusion and Call to Action
Compatibility and complementarity are two sides of the same coin. While compatibility creates a harmonious foundation, complementarity adds depth and richness to the relationship. Finding the perfect balance is key to fostering a thriving partnership that celebrates differences while sharing common ground.
Whether you’re just starting your journey or have been together for decades, remember to celebrate both compatibility and complementarity. Take time to listen, compromise, and support each other. Embrace the differences that make your partnership unique, and work together to build a thriving relationship. What unique differences do you celebrate in your relationship? How do you find a balance between compatibility and complementarity? Share your thoughts below!
Thinking Out Loud 